


I Can't Be Your Friend

by why_me_why_not



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:41:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29538375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/why_me_why_not/pseuds/why_me_why_not
Summary: Sometimes Sirius wondered if his mother had dropped him on his head -- hard and on purpose and more than once.Sirius has managed to get himself in a predicament where Remus is concerned, and he has to find his way out of it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Kudos: 19





	I Can't Be Your Friend

**Author's Note:**

> Written for lj hpslashnotsmut and originally posted July 02 2006. 
> 
> Beta thanks to de, Krys, and M. Title comes from the Rushlow song of the same name.

Sometimes Sirius wondered if his mother had dropped him on his head -- hard and on purpose and more than once. But then he would remember his mother. Child-raising had been left primarily up the house-elves, and they were much too cautious and loyal to ever let anything happen to him. He was the heir to the Black family name, after all, at least until he had gotten a little older and a lot smarter and turned into a blood-traitor.

Still, there was something wrong with him, and if it wasn't brain damage from his infancy, he wasn't sure what it was. He would blame it on all the Gillyweed he and James had smoked the last few years at Hogwarts, but he hadn't been right before that. Maybe it was just bad genes. All that inbreeding, a futile attempt to keep the bloodlines pure, had to have _some_ effect.

Whatever the cause, Sirius always managed to get himself caught up in the damnedest situations, like his current predicament.

He was standing off to the side of Andromeda's living room, alternately watching the people and eyeing the exit. He didn't want to be here. He wouldn't have minded it if he wasn't here alone, but there had been this incident this afternoon with Remus...

_Sirius had been emptying his pockets and resizing the shrunken packages when Remus had walked into the house._

_"Shopping again, Sirius?" Remus had asked tiredly. Sirius hadn't recognized the edge to his voice then, but it was clear now when he was thinking about it._

_"I bought us new clothes for Andromeda's party," Sirius answered excitedly, shoving several packages in Remus' direction._

_Remus just stood there and stared at Sirius, as if there were words on the tip of his tongue that he didn't want to release._

_"What? You have a problem with new clothes?"_

_"Yes," Remus answered. By the look on his face, he was obviously as surprised as Sirius. "Yes, Sirius, I do have a problem with new clothes. I'm tired of you spending money on me every time I turn around!"_

_"It's just money, Remus; it's not a big deal!"_

_"It's not a big deal to you, but it is to me! I'm tired of feeling like your favourite charity!"_

_"Charity? You're --"_

_"No, Sirius! You lied about the rent we pay on the house, and I'm only paying half of what you do. Okay, fine. But you also go for groceries and never let me chip in on them, and you're constantly buying me things. I may not have much, Sirius, but I am working and I'm tired of you not letting me pay my share!"_

_By this point, they were both standing and glaring at one another. Sirius wasn't sure which emotion was stronger, the confusion or the anger. "Remus, is this why we've been arguing the last few weeks? Because you want to pay me to live here? C'mon, we're friends! If you weren't always so concerned about how everything effects_ you _\--"_

_"Dammit, Sirius, you don't know what's really going on here, do you?"_

_"I know what's going on. I know that I'm tired of arguing over every stupid thing and that this is getting ridiculous. Maybe sharing a house was a bad idea." The words were out before he had the chance to stop them, and he instantly regretted them as a look of exasperation and defeat crossed Remus' face._

_Remus didn't say another word, just turned and walked out, slamming the door behind him, and Sirius had ended up here alone._

"Sirius?" Andromeda's voice brought him out of his daze.

"Yes, ma'am?" Manners were ingrained trait, even though he wanted to curse for not escaping before she made her way back to him.

"There's someone I'd like you to meet," she said, turning to indicate a girl about Sirius' age and an older woman. "This is my friend Celia, and her niece Meghan."

Sirius greeted each woman politely, wondering what exactly his aunt was up to.

"Oh, look, there's Preston and Priscilla Ames," Celia said suddenly, casting a glance at Andromeda. "Weren't you just saying how you wanted to speak with them?"

"Oh, yes!" Andromeda answered before turning to Sirius. "Excuse us, please. You two talk."

When the two older women had walked off, Sirius and Meghan looked around uncomfortably, eyes focusing on everything except each other.

"Well," Sirius finally said. "That was decidedly unsubtle."

Meghan nodded in agreement, and then silence spread over them again as they watched the other party-goers for several long minutes.

"Look--" Sirius started at the same time Meghan said, "Listen--"

Sirius grinned and gestured for her to continue.

"Aunt Celia... she means well, but the truth is, I'm seeing someone. And my boyfriend probably wouldn't be too happy if he knew Aunt Celia was trying to fix me up."

"Yeah, mine wouldn't be either," Sirius answered automatically.

Meghan laughed, a warm, honest sound, and Sirius thought he'd be attracted to her if they had met in a different life, one where she didn't have a boyfriend and he was interested in girls.

"Well, he's not really my boyfriend -- he should be, but I'm an idiot and just realized today how I feel and what's really been happening between us. And we had this stupid argument, and it wasn't until after he'd left that I realized that..."

"Realized what?"

"That I love him," Sirius answered, sounding a bit astonished himself at the revelation.

"Sirius Black, you are an idiot."

Hadn't he just said that?

"What are you doing here with me?" She gave him a push towards the exit. "Go home and tell him what you just told me. And apologize while you're at it. I'll make excuses for you to Andromeda."

Sirius only hesitated for a moment before flashing a grin at her and slipping out the door. He practically ran all the way to a clear Apparition point and then Apparated to the front door of his house. He took a deep breath, steadying his courage before slowly opening the door.

"Remus?" he called out, but as soon as he stepped across the threshold, he knew something was wrong. Remus wasn't home, but he wasn't the only thing missing.

Nearly all of the books were missing from the living room shelves.

The spot where Remus' favorite chair was supposed to sit was now a bare spot of floor.

Remus' parents were no longer keeping watch from above the fireplace -- which may have been a good thing since Sirius could imagine they weren't too happy with him at the moment.

_Fuck!_

Sirius searched each room of the house, taking inventory, cataloging what was gone. Finally, he returned to the living room and stood in the center of it, cursing himself for being nine kinds of a fool and contemplating drowning out the little voice in the back of his mind. Remus hadn't taken the alcohol.

As he reached for the first bottle, though, he realized he needed to fix this -- now -- and he needed help. And when he got Remus alone, he was going to snog some sense into him. Remus had always been the smart one. Sirius may just now be recognising that what they had was more than friendship, but he would bet that Remus had figured it out ages ago. That made Sirius feel even worse about the things he had said.

Sirius headed for the cottage the Potters were currently renting. From the way Lily glared at him when she answered the door, Remus had already been there.

Lily left the door open and turned to head back to the kitchen. "James, _your_ friend is here."

James was shaking his head when Sirius caught his eye. "You've really made a mess of things this time, haven't you?"

Sirius didn't answer, just shut the door and sank down onto the sofa. Now that he was here, he wasn't sure where to begin or what to say. They were all friends -- him, James, Remus, Lily, Peter. James was his best friend, had been for years. Remus was something different, something more, and Sirius didn't know if he could find the words to say how he felt, or even if he was ready to share it, even with James.

James was waiting quietly, patiently for Sirius to start talking.

"He left me." Sirius sighed. "I don't know how to fix this. I... I love him, James. I don't know how I never realized it before, but I love him." He glanced up at James for a brief second before dropping his eyes to his hands. "I just... I forget that he and I don't always see things the same way. All these things we've been arguing about... he gets mad because of the money thing. Yeah, okay, I shouldn't have lied about the rent for the house, but I can afford to pay a larger share. And I _like_ buying all the food, because that means he has to cook what I like. And the other things -- I'm buying him things he needs or things I want him to have. It's my money and I'm free to spend it as I choose! I'm just trying to make him happy! I like him to be happy; I want him to always be that way.

"I love the way he laughs, even though it's usually because I've done something stupid. How he gets so caught up in those damn books that he'd forget to eat if I wasn't there to remind him. The way he pushes my hair out of my eyes without hesitating. How he lets me curl up beside him, whether I'm Padfoot or not, and not only on the night after the full moon. I can't imagine what it would be like to come home to an empty flat. I don't want to.

"We lived together for _seven years_ at Hogwarts, and I can't understand why all we've done since we got this house is fight. And most of the time I can't stop the words that are coming out of my mouth just so I can stay close to Remus, and it's not even about the argument because most of the time I'm doing it just to see that flash of anger in his eyes, and all I can think about is backing him against the wall and--"

"Whoa, that's enough!" James interrupted. "You're my best friend, but I don't really want to know what you're thinking of doing to him. It might traumatise me." He laughed lightly but quickly sobered up. "Look, mate, I'm glad you've sorted this out, but I'm not the one who should be hearing this."

"I know, but I don't know where Remus went and I'm not sure what to say to him when I find him. 'I love you and need you to come home' sounds pretty weak."

"No, it's perfect," came a soft voice from behind Sirius.

Sirius jumped up and whirled around. "Remus! How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough." Remus came around the sofa and stood so he was facing Sirius.

"I..." Sirius hesitated, swallowing hard. "I'm sorry. For everything."

"Me too," Remus replied, pulling Sirius into a hug. "But we can sort it out later. Let's go home, yeah?"

Sirius nodded. Home sounded good. Home with Remus sounded even better.


End file.
